A Mothers Love

I called Maggie Wednesday evening to check in, see where she was, if she was going to require dinner, what her evening plans were etc. A mom call. She told me she was at the Navy recruiting center. My heart stopped. "Why are you at the Navy recruiting center and get your arse out of there NOW the answer is HELLNO and you better be running by now". Wench didn't miss a beat,,"We'll talk about it later". Still no heart beat from me,," There is nothing to talk about have you left there yet you better be driving get yourself home right this minute what the hell are you thinking Maggie don't do this to me why aren't you already home whose idea was this are you still in there I will have you declared incompetent and incapacitate you myself you cannot do this are you still there?" By the time she actually got home I was frothing at the mouth and my head was rotating and spinning. Yes I know I'm being irrational. I'm her mother it's my right to be irrational.

See,,here's the deal. What I tried to explain to her and did a pisspoor job of is that I cannot handle the idea of losing her or Mallory. My heart and my brain will not allow that type of thought. I have spent every waking and sleeping moment of the last 24 years praying that my girls will be safe. They are just about the only truly good thing ,,the absolute very best thing,,the most incredible thing,,I have ever done and I cannot lose them. I cannot. I close my eyes and see the miles and miles of little white crosses at the cemetary in DC and I know that each one represents some Mommy somewhere that will never be whole again. I know that each and every mother represented hoped and prayed that her love would be strong enough to keep her precious child safe and bring them back home to her,,and it wasn't enough. She got a nicely folded flag and a beautifully written letter and all she wanted, all she wants, the only thing she ever needed was for her baby to walk through the door,,and it will never happen again. I cannot be that Mommy. I know it's selfish. I recognize this. I won't even try and deny it. My children,,they are my life. They are the reason I breathe. There are not words to describe a Mothers Love. Their existence is what makes my heart beat. Yes ,,these girls of mine make me crazy. They irritate me to the very core of my being. They ARE the core of my being. I would lay down my own life for them. I would move heaven and earth for them. I would take on Satan herself for them. I cannot lose them. I am not that strong. What strength I have comes from them,,without them I could not go on. A Mothers Love is not conditional. There are no strings. It is complete and overwhelming and incapacitating. It begins when they begin and it is without end. It fills my lungs and takes my breath away. It is the smile that is always there deep inside just because they are always there. It is my backbone. A Mothers Love is what makes a Mother. It's in the cells. It runs through the veins. It reproduces itself, magnifies itself. It turns us into overly protective grizzly bears and mushy lumps. It completely and totally distorts our vision and short circuits our thought processes. Normal responses are diverted through a MommyCenter and words and actions come out biased and warped. If the government could find a way to tap into Mother Love it would be the most lethal weapon ever imagined. Mothers Love is what carries these children up and down stairs a thousand and twelve times. It keeps us going without sleep for days on end. It takes away our own hunger and feeds our children first. It finds a way when the world tells us No,,or That's not possible. This thing,,this Mothers Love,,it is remarkable and uncontrollable and right now this day this moment,,it doesn't like the idea of my Maggie being anywhere near anything that has ever had any contact with anything remotely connected to anything that even has the same letters has the military. I don't like it. I don't trust it. I don't want it. I want Maggie AT HOME. With me. At least in my area code. Where I can at least try and keep up with her and the multitude of angels it takes to watch over her. I can try. I'm her Mommy.