Smiles

There are a multitude of things that can, and do, make me smile on any given day. It's the difference in the smile that has me intrigued right now.
Some things prompt the "awww smile" - Tiny furballs doing kitty ballet, kidlets with a dripping ice cream cone or a little girl with a head covered in ringlets and a super-sized bow perched on top, Professor bringing his green ball in the dark early morning while I'm having coffee, kids asleep in the backseat-awww.
The "I'm so happy I can't do anything else with my face" smile-Christmas morning when the girls were little, Longhorn football games, middle of the day texts from Kevin, 10lbs down on the scale - SMILE.
The "wicked evil grin" - a fiendish plot has come to successful fruition, Karma comes around and bites the right person for the right reason, I'm right and you're oh so not and I'm holding dead solid irrefutable proof- wicked evil satisfied grin.
The "BIG SMILE"-the perfect first date with the perfect man, all the milestone accomplishments of the girls, Longhorn win over aggy, all clear from the doctor- BIG SMILE. HUGE.
The "Yes. Life is good" smile- Sunrise at the Landcut and the Lease, Sunset on the patio with friends with perfect margaritas, warm sheets from the dryer smelling of lavendar, Sunday lunch with the kids around the table, you can hear the regular breathing in the bed beside you and you know he's yours- Yes. Life truly is good.
The "Bless their heart"smile- Snooty high-heeled wench stumbles out of the bathroom with toilet paper on her shoe or jeans unzipped, car that just sprayed gravel passing on the shoulder gets pulled over by WilCo, boss that terrorized and tormented for years gets walked out-Bless Their Hearts.
And then,,there is that smile,,it doesn't happen very often,,you know the one. It starts in your toes and like wildfire it spreads to every single fiber in your being. You smile at a cellular level. Your eyelashes are sporting a toothy grin. Your hair laughs. Glitter and sparkles ooze from your pores. Gravity loses it's hold temporarily and total joy lifts you off the ground and transports you to a magic place. The Magic Smile.

I hope you all find your smile. Today and all of the tomorrows.

Forgiveness

I realized today, while watching Debbie Reynolds on The View, that I have probably held on to some grudges and carried some anger around far longer than I should have. My God,,if she can forgive Elizabeth Taylor and regain a friendship ,,then who am I to still be angry? So,,,here goes.

Julia,,you are forgiven for being the single biggest bitch I have ever even imagined encountering in my life. You gave me a measuring stick that I still use to measure the level of bitchiness in an individual and for that I should be more appreciative and not quite so angry. You showed me new and creative ways to demean, emasculate, belittle and humiliate people and I suppose I underestimated the value in that.

Duckly,,,you are forgiven. I will not go into all of the things you did NOT do and should have. You have to answer to your eyes. I don't. Your shortcomings and deception paved the way for me to be where I am today,,which is a beautiful place filled with love and light and honor. Haven't seen you around here. Don't really expect to.

Matto,,,you are forgiven. You really don't even deserve a mention but the grudge was there so you get one. You shouldn't. You really don't even deserve the air you use up or the large space you occupy.

Robert,,Fiend,,,you ,,I don't know,,ok,,you are forgiven. Ugggh. For cheating on me. For lying to me. For not telling that PsychoCrazyBitch exwife of yours to shut the hell up. For attempting to hug me after you cheated on me. For continuing to breathe. For coming to me and asking for sex after that thing you left me for rejected you. For STILL breathing. God help me why do you still breathe?? It's really not important that I forgive you because in my little happy reality things like you don't exist. Meh. Uggh. What the hell was I thinking with you?

Pig Eyed Troll,,,I can't do it. Not you. I can forgive and forget the others. Not you. You were so wrong. On every level that anything can be wrong ,,you were wrong. In every way that a thing can imagine wrongness you personify it. It's like all of the ugly, lying, evil, mean and petty slime and pond scum from the human cess pool came together in a pale lumpy sort of human form and it was you. You. You even have ugly hair. It looks like a goat chewed on it. You have squinty eyes and ugly hair and you still dress like a constant DON'T. Your pants don't fit you right and they are too short. White socks do not belong with dress pants unless you are PeeWee Herman and you aren't. Forgiving you would cost me my dignity and you can't have that. You took it once and I will not give it up again. You don't deserve it. I will hold on to my one ugly thought,,that would be you. Karma,,she's a bitch. She bites. I gave her your name.

I missed my calling,,,

I should have been a football coach. Really. I would be the most bodacious defensive line coach in the history of defensive line coaches. My line would be tough. TOUGH. Hard as nails and meaner than a 16 year old girl deprived of chocolate who just found out her boyfriend cheated on her. MEAN. VICIOUS. My line could and would wrestle trains to a complete stop. YAC would be zero. There would be few completions,,I mean realistically it's very hard to defend against an amazing QB. When they are good,,there will be completions. That being said,,an amazing defensive line can more than even out the playing field. If the defense is quick enough and strong enough and mean enough and if they want it enough,,no one can beat them.

I like those hits that you can hear on the upper deck in DKR. The hits that make all 104,620 fans go,,,oooooohhhhhhhhhh. Blake Gideon had one last week. The "aren't you sorry they threw the ball to you?" kind of hit. I love those. Pick em up and put em down hits. I love a taunting defense. On the line just daring the offense to try and run. Snarling defensive lines. Pointing at the QB and looking him in the eye and daring him,,,yeah little boy,,you look like breakfast to me. Go on,,take the snap. Come on now,,snap the ball. I'm coming for YOU.

My defense would be very polite. We would always pick em up ,,AFTER we smacked em down. We would refer to the opposing players as Ma'am. Or Darlin. We would take a lesson from The Shawnee and count coup after each game. We would be monsters. We would be great.

So,,,a bit of catching up to do

It's been a while since I wrote. Life sort of sucked the air and motivation to write out of me. It's been a whirlwind. Good times. Odd times. Amazing times. And since it is me,,there have been some of those pesky,,pull the rug out from under me,,wrap me up in it,,and toss me over a bridge kind of times. I've been told that everything happens for a reason. For now,,I'm going to go with that.

Updates,,Maggie has moved out and Estrogen Estates is completely without children. Oh they come by occasionally when they need laundry done or they are hungry. I no longer hear them coming and going like noisy mice in the night. I can wake up and have my coffee on the patio without having to dress before I go downstairs. I can clean the house on Sunday and miracle of miracles,,it's still clean on Friday. Laundry has been reduced to two loads a week. Grocery list is nonexistent. Dishwasher holds only coffee mugs and Scotch glasses. Life is good. Life is sort of lonely. Which leads to next update,,,

Kevin. There is a Kevin. Kevin has been around for uhhhhmmmm,,,a while. Since the National Championship game against Alabama that we did not win. Because we have Greg Davis as an offensive coordinator and he took our Horns into the FREAKING NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME,,,without a Plan B. No backup plan. No contingency plan. Our plan to win was,,Colt. Sorry,,got distracted. Kevin. He's been around since that fiasco. He understands my addiction to Longhorn football. He agrees with my intense dislike of our very offensive coordinator. He makes me laugh. He lets me cry. He is practically perfect in every way. In the months that we have been a "we",,we have had some crazy, unbelievable head shaking moments. Wouldn't be normal otherwise,,right? His building had a plane fly into it,,that was in Month 2. We survived that,,can't say that it's past tense. We are surviving that. My work went crazy and then got worse. We survived that. We've been to the dear lease for 4 days and he has seen me without shower or makeup,,and we survived that. He's met the folks,,and the kids,,and we survived that. He's seen me on game day,,and he survived that. I think all is well. He's pretty much amazing. Doesn't like to hear that,,but I think it alot.

Football season has come around again. It took its sweet time getting here didn't it? Man OH Man. I swear,,opening day,,it's like Christmas and a birthday and an orgasm all rolled in to one thing! One event! And it's here. I'm so happy. Austin is swamped with burnt orange. It's just the grandest thing. Did I mention I like football?

You're updated. Well sort of. For the moment. Look for more regular postings. The writing bug has taken hold. And I have so many words to write.

Listening to: Melanie Fiona ,,Bang Bang

Finding Me

Weird odd horrid weekend followed by weird odd horrid start to the week. Home sick with nothing to do but ponder. Time spent in self-loathing and self-abuse. Now time for introspection. Time to find an accurate definition of me. Time to shed the old skin and emerge whole. Are we defined by our station in life? Our successes and failures? Our choice of mates? Our children? Our friends? Which "me" do I want to be?
What I have learned in my soul diving,,I am a sensualist bordering on hedonist. I grow strong with pleasure. My soul expands and soars when surrounded by beautiful music, soft fabrics, exquisite food, intelligent minds. I am a champion for the underdog. Tenacious bitch when those I love are threatened.
I don't love easily but when I do it is forever. My soul is easily wounded. I rarely if ever allow the world to see that. Proud but not vain. Protective but lacking in the jealous gene. Curious to the point of being dangerous. Screaming liberal with a conservative twist. Fiercely tender. A walking enigma. Basically invisible in the spotlight. The cellophane woman.
Slow to anger. I don't get mad. I always get even. A mental cannibal. SmartAss extraordinaire. Carnivore. Sweet tooth. Difficult Christian. Strong faith. I hate the hypocrisy that is organized religion today. I trust the one I see in the mirror. I answer to my eyes, my fathers eyes. Easily entertained and amused. Wicked sense of humor. Extremely self-sufficient and independent. Dancer. Mother. Daughter. Nurse. Me.

The Hunchback and the Squirrel

How to even describe this week,,this night. Actually,,the week was pretty much summed up by the events of the night. Lisa and I have had the week from hell. That might be an understatement. Motivation and enthusiasm have bottomed out. The Stupid Factor is running at Chocolate Level Eleventysevenfour. Record levels of unheard of ignorance have been registered daily at both facilities. It's mindboggling. Verily I say unto you,,mindboggling. The stupidity and general ignorance have spread like a pandemic into my "other" life away from work,,like there is such a thing? Contractors and carpet people,,dumber than two loads of dirt. Boyfriend wannabes,,,Heaven help me. The Dalai Lama and Dalai Linda from Sprint,,deliver me. I would say RUN get a vaccination but,,all I have found that works is a fair amount of Scotch. Liberal interpretation allowed for "fair amount". Tonight we escaped and ran to Fuddruckers for HOT DOGS!!! and long intimate deep gazing into the eyes of The King,,Elvis. There is a special Elvis booth at Fuddruckers and they have monstrous delicious hot dogs and Lisa seems to like the sweet potato fries. I cannot bring myself to eat a sweet potato since the unfortunate incident in the ER in Lufkin when I had to help a gentleman that had a sweet potatoe stuck in his arse. Lisa likes them though and it makes their lack of Diet Coke almost forgiveable. While enjoying our gourmet feast and giving Taylor,,Lisas youngest daughter,,absolute hell about her louvered sunglasses and the Ed Hardy air that she breathes my eyes were drawn to a pitiful figure seated one table away. At this point let me back track just a tad. I will be 50 in THIRTY FOUR DAYS. Freakin half a hundred. Yes I'm having a meltdown about this. I just absolutely KNOW that I will wake up that morning and the boobs and ass that have served me well for all these many years and done a pretty admirable job of staying exactly where they are supposed to stay,,well they are going to betray me and fall to my knees. I will have to lift my hiney to sit down and my boobs will be located somewhere around my kneecaps. I just know it. SO,,with that being said,,back to Fuddruckers. Seated one table away was a pitiful trollish figure of a woman. Maybe 4ft tall,,hunched over,,stringy over bleached reddish blonde hair,,fallen face,,boobs around her knees. She was wearing,,are you ready,,a short black skirt, burnt orange turtleneck, cute black jacket and boots. A very Martha outfit. The words fell out of my mouth,,," I bet she's 50". Lisa collapsed. She had the nerve to guffaw. I told her, begged her,,please,,if I wake up in 34 days and have become THAT,,,give me the bottle of 90 Ambien and let me go. Shoot me. Do something, anything,,just don't let me ever be that. So of course,,the rest of the night,,I was The Hunchback. Ya gotta love friends.
As we were climbing into Lisas car to head back to reality and away from The King and The Hunchback a van pulled in next to us and slammed into a truck parked behind it. Loud slam. Crash slammed. We immediately kicked into stealthy squirrel mode. We would make sure the offending driver did the right thing and left a note for the truck owner. Great watchdogs of justice that we are,,we were on point and on duty. Lisa slipped out of the parking spot,,drove oh so stealthily around the parking lot to better observe the situation. We determined that a note had been left on the truck and were finally able to leave the parking lot when Lisa looked at me and said,,I bet that note says that a Mercury Mariner driven by a very Stealthy Squirrel and accompanied by a Hunchback that appeared 50 hit the truck. I cannot remember ever laughing that much. I could picture the headlines,,Stealthy Squirrel and 50 year old Hunchback smash and dash in Fuddruckers parking lot. I still hurt from laughing. Belly laughing. No thoughts of work. Just laughter. Laughter and STEALTHY SQUIRREL mode. The best. Absolutely The Best.

I'm going to be 50. A hunchback troll with boobs caught in my ankles and an arse that requires a sling. Sweet Niblets,,I'm going to be 50.

Overheard at Estrogen Estates

Time to Make the Donuts,,,again.
HOT DOGS!!!!
No, you are going to live here.
Do I have to wake up? You are a distraction.
Why can't we just put little red hearts on it and call it a Valentine tree and leave it up?
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
And then I'm going to poop butterflies.
Quit licking Beast please.
Who the HELL invented the BCS?
I LOVE MY JOB,,no really.
Would this have gone better if you had a REAL hat on?
Would you get me out of jail if I got arrested for dancing naked under the moon?
Gone. They are gone. Missing. Not present. G-O-N-E.
Can you learn a hard lesson the easy way?
Team Edward or Team Jacob? Edward,,of course Edward.

Life goes on at Estrogen Estates. I love my resident Hillbilly. The right shoulder is trying to relocate itself to my left knee. State is due in the building any day now. Tile and carpet on the way. Must get the painting finished. Staff ,,insane. Longhorn cookies,,delicious. Bed,,right over there and calling my name. Come see me!!!

Listening to: American Idol
Reading: State regs for AL facilities