The Hunchback and the Squirrel

How to even describe this week,,this night. Actually,,the week was pretty much summed up by the events of the night. Lisa and I have had the week from hell. That might be an understatement. Motivation and enthusiasm have bottomed out. The Stupid Factor is running at Chocolate Level Eleventysevenfour. Record levels of unheard of ignorance have been registered daily at both facilities. It's mindboggling. Verily I say unto you,,mindboggling. The stupidity and general ignorance have spread like a pandemic into my "other" life away from work,,like there is such a thing? Contractors and carpet people,,dumber than two loads of dirt. Boyfriend wannabes,,,Heaven help me. The Dalai Lama and Dalai Linda from Sprint,,deliver me. I would say RUN get a vaccination but,,all I have found that works is a fair amount of Scotch. Liberal interpretation allowed for "fair amount". Tonight we escaped and ran to Fuddruckers for HOT DOGS!!! and long intimate deep gazing into the eyes of The King,,Elvis. There is a special Elvis booth at Fuddruckers and they have monstrous delicious hot dogs and Lisa seems to like the sweet potato fries. I cannot bring myself to eat a sweet potato since the unfortunate incident in the ER in Lufkin when I had to help a gentleman that had a sweet potatoe stuck in his arse. Lisa likes them though and it makes their lack of Diet Coke almost forgiveable. While enjoying our gourmet feast and giving Taylor,,Lisas youngest daughter,,absolute hell about her louvered sunglasses and the Ed Hardy air that she breathes my eyes were drawn to a pitiful figure seated one table away. At this point let me back track just a tad. I will be 50 in THIRTY FOUR DAYS. Freakin half a hundred. Yes I'm having a meltdown about this. I just absolutely KNOW that I will wake up that morning and the boobs and ass that have served me well for all these many years and done a pretty admirable job of staying exactly where they are supposed to stay,,well they are going to betray me and fall to my knees. I will have to lift my hiney to sit down and my boobs will be located somewhere around my kneecaps. I just know it. SO,,with that being said,,back to Fuddruckers. Seated one table away was a pitiful trollish figure of a woman. Maybe 4ft tall,,hunched over,,stringy over bleached reddish blonde hair,,fallen face,,boobs around her knees. She was wearing,,are you ready,,a short black skirt, burnt orange turtleneck, cute black jacket and boots. A very Martha outfit. The words fell out of my mouth,,," I bet she's 50". Lisa collapsed. She had the nerve to guffaw. I told her, begged her,,please,,if I wake up in 34 days and have become THAT,,,give me the bottle of 90 Ambien and let me go. Shoot me. Do something, anything,,just don't let me ever be that. So of course,,the rest of the night,,I was The Hunchback. Ya gotta love friends.
As we were climbing into Lisas car to head back to reality and away from The King and The Hunchback a van pulled in next to us and slammed into a truck parked behind it. Loud slam. Crash slammed. We immediately kicked into stealthy squirrel mode. We would make sure the offending driver did the right thing and left a note for the truck owner. Great watchdogs of justice that we are,,we were on point and on duty. Lisa slipped out of the parking spot,,drove oh so stealthily around the parking lot to better observe the situation. We determined that a note had been left on the truck and were finally able to leave the parking lot when Lisa looked at me and said,,I bet that note says that a Mercury Mariner driven by a very Stealthy Squirrel and accompanied by a Hunchback that appeared 50 hit the truck. I cannot remember ever laughing that much. I could picture the headlines,,Stealthy Squirrel and 50 year old Hunchback smash and dash in Fuddruckers parking lot. I still hurt from laughing. Belly laughing. No thoughts of work. Just laughter. Laughter and STEALTHY SQUIRREL mode. The best. Absolutely The Best.

I'm going to be 50. A hunchback troll with boobs caught in my ankles and an arse that requires a sling. Sweet Niblets,,I'm going to be 50.