Dear Lord Make me a Bird

I think I survived the last three days but I'm not sure. Work,,Dear Lord make me a bird. Insane? Not the best word choice,,maybe dangerously insane. How can a hospital charged with TAKING CARE of patients leave those patients so dangerously insanely understaffed? I've had bad days as a nurse. I've never had three consecutively bad days like this. I asked for Safe Harbor. Yeah,,me. Yep,,the one that can handle whatever they throw at me,,I called Uncle. Didn't make any difference of course,,but I tried. The Code Team,,it was me. I was listed in all slots on the damn code team except for respirations because THANK GOD we had an RT in house. Everything else,,it was me. The only IV certified nurse on the floor. 27 patients with IVs and only one nurse ,,me,,,that could manage them. Admissions,,mine to do. Patient coded,,mine to handle. Two vent patients,,and seven others. Seven of the nine on telemetry. They did not get the level of care they deserved. I tried. Charting? Please tell me you are laughing. Poor Barton was on the phone with his agency begging to leave,,asking how to declare Safe Harbor. No one it seems knows what Safe Harbor is,,,just that whispered ace in our back pocket if it ever gets to that point. It got to that point this weekend. I simply must find out exactly how one executes a Safe Harbor call. No one died. Everyone got their treatments, got their medications, got their meals, got their baths. The admission was done. The sweet little lady that coded ,,well she made it. I can look myself in the eye and know I did all I could do,,but it wasn't enough. It wasn't up to my level of care. We can't tell the patients,,we are short staffed,,please bear with me. That wouldn't look good. We can't walk out and refuse an assignment. Why did I think I wanted to be a nurse?? Because it's who I am. It's not what I do,,it is WHO I AM. I just don't like the nurse that place made me be this weekend. There will be hell to pay I'm sure for asking for Safe Harbor. Probably time to dust off the resume. Little Napoleon would be oh so happy if I were to leave. She might not be so happy if I went voluntarily,,I think she really really really wants to see me walked out. God only knows she's tried to make that happen and if I didn't know that she had no influence on the actual staffing I would SWEAR she was the one responsible for this weekend but it wasn't her,,this time. Sigh. Truly,,time to look for another job. The bullseye on my back is about to burn a hole through this chair. I'm tired, beyond tired,,I'm rambling. Maybe coffee and a sunrise and a wee bit of Celtic music will soothe the beast within. I don't like the way I feel inside. Chocolate coffee? Maybe it will be a Longhorn sunrise full of burnt orange and promise? Maybe?

I feel icky,,old,,frumpish,,moosish. I think it's the upcoming birthday. I feel old. Ancient. I'm approaching a half century. In no ones book am I anything close to young. OLD. Contemplating total makeover. Trade in this look for something completely new and different. Uber short hair? Could I lop off the way long hair and live through it? Go dark? A rich chocolate color? Red? That would only change the exterior. It wouldn't touch the mental and I think that's where the moose lives. I got asked out three times today at work by three different males. I got carded at the new Apu store by a young twit of a girl. I guess I can't really look too terribly bad. None of the would be suitors were particularly bad options. In fact,,none of them bad options at all. I just,,I feel old. Unattractive. Doesn't help that work has been,,,I need a new word,,a better descriptor than horrid. I need a word that signifies the depths of despair and hopelessness. I need a powerful dark ugly word that implies mean spirited coworkers and a workload that they vowed would never happen. Where is the word that with just its utterance you can convey a drive home clouded with tears and falling asleep with the tears still wet on your pillow and running down your cheeks. I need that word. I think it might be "nursing". Maybe it's "Martha"?
Mallory gave me a happy thought. The kind of happy thought that goes into the little bag where you store happy thoughts and magic dust so you can fly away to NeverLand. She will be back in Texas as a resident in 4 months. A happy thought.
The past week has been a "Gump" week. Do you remember the part in the movie where Jenny runs into the corn field to hide from her dad and she kneels down in the dirt and prays as only a child can pray,,"Dear Lord, make me bird so I can fly far far away"? That's been my week. Dear Lord,,,make me a bird so I can fly far far away. Dear Lord,,,make me a bird,,,